Stop being so nice

Yesterday was American Business Women's Day. Look at us, real life business ladies... harumph. I hate this.

And, I hate this mostly because it's just another way to "other" women in business. We already do that enough on our own, thankyouverymuch.

How?

Men lead with confidence.
Women lead with competence.

And let me tell you, one of those is far more rewarded than the other.

I saw it myself over two decades in executive search: men ask for promotions, negotiate higher salaries, and run for office with half the prompting — and sometimes, half the qualifications — because they use confidence to rate their competence.

Women? We do the opposite. We checklist our readiness to death. We measure our worth by whether we've mastered every bullet point in the job description. We let competence determine confidence. And we know how that plays out: a world run by men who may not be ready, while women who ARE ready keep waiting for permission to raise their hand.

So how do we change the game? How do we stop letting self-doubt keep us small?

We ask a better question.

Not "What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?" That’s a fantasy. That is an “I Wish” question. Not only does it get you nowhere, it actually reinforces all the things you have already told yourself that you can’t do.

I want you to ask: "If I were the very best version of me, what would I do in this situation?"

Boom.

That question demands action. It activates the badass inside you. It reminds you that you already have what it takes—you just forgot for a minute. It centers your strength. It forces your confidence to finally catch up to your competence.

And speaking of forgetting our power...

Stop. Being. So. Damn. Nice.

Nice is expected. Nice is passive. Nice is a doormat.

Women are nice. We look out for others. We worry about people’s feelings. We take everything on our shoulders just to make sure that no one else is troubled. We couch our criticism. We are nice.

But, what about when a man looks out for others, or worries about people’s feelings, or takes troubles off of anyone else’s shoulders? What about when a man couches criticism? He is considered kind.

Think about the difference between these two words. Nice doesn’t disturb anyone. Nice won’t upset the apple cart. Nice is expected. Nice is a doormat.

But, kind? Kind is what you bestow upon another. Kindness is something you can give. Being kind holds power.

She is nice. He is kind. Which one gets the call returned first? Which one gets respect? Which one gets the promotion? Which one do you really hear? Yup, that’s what I’m saying.

So, ladies, I beg of you. Stop being too nice, and start bestowing your kindness as if it is a rare commodity, one that you choose to give only those who have earned it or value it. The kinder you are, the less nice you’ll have to be. And, for that, we newly elevated women of the world will all be grateful.

But, how do you stop being too nice when, after all, it’s our fall back, it’s the modus operandi, it’s muscle memory?

First, remember that it’s not your job to make everyone feel welcome, comfortable, and safe. You don’t have to always be giving a compliment. You don’t have to lump praise upon the undeserving. And, you don’t have to fill the silences. That’s when the other person is thinking over the brilliance you just laid upon them; let them catch up.

Then, stop apologizing for existing. You may apologize too often, and there are plenty of studies to make me confident that you do, but even if the words coming out of your mouth aren’t exactly, “I’m sorry,” the odds are that you start too many statements with “It’s just my opinion, but…” and “I could be wrong, but…” and “This might be a bad time, but…” I’m here to tell you to get your head out of your “but” and have the courage of your convictions. You can be kind without being mean, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be too nice.

Finally, think about what it is that you do better than most others around you. Find someone who could use a little of that magic. And, spend a little time helping them find it within themselves. Go out of your way to be a champion, not just a mentor. Teaching skills, building up others, opening doors are a currency, and bestowing kindness is just that. It’s not nice because it’s expected. It’s kind because it’s intentional.

Yes, I’m ranting. And, no, I’m not apologizing for it.

Speak. Directly. Boldly. Kindly. That’s how we rise.

And once you rise, look around. Who else can you bring with you? What magic do you have that someone else needs to borrow? Share it. Teach it. Open the door, hold it open, and wave her the hell through. That’s not being nice. That’s being kind.

The one thing I know to be true this week is this: You already have everything you need. Confidence is not the reward for success. It's the starting point.

If this hit home, do two things:

1. Forward this to a woman who needs to hear it.
2. Take my Limitless Assessment and find out where you're holding back: LimitlessAssessment.com​

Then go out and be kind—and never "nice" again.

Don't Just Listen to Me, Listen to Deborah Liu

I had the chance to interview Deborah Liu—and trust me, you’ll want to listen in. Deborah is the former President & CEO of Ancestry, the woman behind Facebook Marketplace (and a slew of other products you’ve probably used without even realizing she built them), and she spent several years in product roles at PayPal and eBay.

She’s also the founder of Women In Product, a nonprofit that’s grown to more than 30,000 members, all connected by the mission of supporting women in tech. And her book, Take Back Your Power, is a must-read for anyone ready to rewrite the future of work—for themselves and for women everywhere.